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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715922">i want all (that is not mine)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamladyshipper/pseuds/iamladyshipper'>iamladyshipper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Catra is in Love with Adora (She-Ra), F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Unresolved Emotional Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:56:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>577</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamladyshipper/pseuds/iamladyshipper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Catra is in love with Adora, but The Storyteller won't let her act on it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora &amp; Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i want all (that is not mine)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>if you need music for atmosphere, I listened to <a href="https://youtu.be/GnkzvAXWV-0">daughter's «smother»</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been quite some time since they spoke to each other in kind words last. Three years of rivalry; fighting and planning against your former best friend, no longer hand in hand but on the opposite sides of the barricade. Catra can't help the bile rising in her chest at the sight of mighty She-ra, legendary saviour of Etheria. She can accept another defeat, it is painfully obvious she's not going to win this game - and yet The Storyteller keeps torturing her with trying. His grip on their lives is strong and unyielding, yet unprovable and not at all obvious. It's like being a part of the Horde - everyone knows the truth, sees through Shadow Weaver and Hordak (everyone but, of course, unsurprisingly, Adora) but can never voice the thought; they all know they've got nowhere to run. Except, Catra physically can't speak of The Storyteller existing. It's in the details as it is in big parts - when she doesn't as much as smile at Scorpia's joke she finds fascinating; when she attacks Adora at sight, something in her chest breaking because she's more tired than angry; when she tells Hordak a lie and sends Entrapta to the Beast Island. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Keep lying to yourself," Catra tells herself mentally while staring at the mirror in the shower bay. Life's always been this uncontrollable. But, she can't push most kind words past her lips, no matter how much she wants to. Catra wants Adora, and she wants all of her, heart and soul and body, she wants her soft lips and clear eyes, her confident expression when she's being persistent, the way she sees the world, how she laughs and how everything about that laugh is free and brightening. When Catra is alone, she is sure of it, she is ready to forgive Adora for leaving if Adora herself wants it enough, but the moment they meet, all she can remember is a bright black hole that opened in her chest the day she found out her closest friend is now with the princesses, living her better, happier life. She sees red; she sees an enemy. She attacks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then, in the dark of the night, with her wounds already treated and her eyelids heavy, Catra feels empty. The hole right in the middle of her chest where all the rage used to be is no longer filled, and it hurts. She didn't want this. She never wanted this. Catra is not sure if it's all real, if she's a living person, whether the time stopped or still going. If the world is just a simulation run by The Storyteller, who's keeping Catra from Adora and Adora, from Catra. She bites the pillow as hard as she can, her teeth so clenched she's trembling; this is most she can do. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There might be physical wounds on her body, many of them, because fighting She-ra isn't easy, isn't anything Catra's been trained for, but they don't sting as much as helplessness does. Catra is used to power, and if she feels pain, she bites back until it doesn't matter anymore, until the pain is muffled. No sword hurts like fighting someone you once called best friend. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra and hope are no acquaintances, but something light rises in her chest when she thinks The Storyteller might give Adora a happy ending. The feeling soon reduces to the usual black hole when she realises - there's no place for her in that ending.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>plot twist: someone's just mentally ill and it's depersonalisation</p>
<p>it's up to you to decide if I'm joking</p>
<p>just thought that I might share my sketch because it was longer than usual</p>
<p>I hate that in real life after writing this the whole day I couldn't speak english when needed and sounded awkwardly stupid</p>
<p>I cannot emphasize enough that I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just having fun writing things so no offense okay? okay</p></blockquote></div></div>
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